Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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