the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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