would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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