also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize