I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
