the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
