Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
