I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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