was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
