I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
