recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
