I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
