Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
