Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
