Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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