oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
