Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize