If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
