the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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