Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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