How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize