way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
