I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
