Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
