So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
