did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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