I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
