you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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