Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
