So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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