I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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