Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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