last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
