Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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