You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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