someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
