take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
