also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
