Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
