don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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