I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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