this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This is the high leading the old right now
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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