did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
