youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
