I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
