I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
