you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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