i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize