I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You are a genius and a whore.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
