I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Less talking, more tequila
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize