you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
