your thong is hanging out like whoa
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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