Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
