There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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